Monday, August 4, 2008, Washington, D.C.

Presumptive democrat nominee, Barack Hussein Obama, announced a new emergency energy plan today. In a speech at the Feeble-Minded Democrats of America (FMDA) conference, Barack Obama chastised “Big Oil” for making a ten-percent profit margin while family budgets are stretched thin by being forced to pay upwards of $4.00/gal. for gasoline. The Feeble-Minded Democrats comprise the majority of the party’s elite and gave Senator Obama standing ovations several times during his address.

Sen. Obama was visibly incensed, “It is unconscionable that the ‘fat cats’ of Big Oil reap the benefits from this country’s natural resources while the poor suffer, and I intend to do something about it.”

“First, I’m proposing a ‘Windfall Profits Contribution’ that will relieve Big Oil from the accounting complexities demanded by dealing with very large numbers. We’ll simply reclassify appropriate ‘excess’ profits as voluntary contributions to my federal government. The oil companies will save money by hiring less capable accountants and their reporting of profits to shareholders will require less disk space and paper since they'll be dealing with smaller numbers. The plan detailing these provisions is called The Accounting Simplification System (A.S.S.). Recent discussions with experts have convinced us to skip a scaled-down partial implementation and go directly to the full system, termed the A.S.S. Whole system.

“Second, I’ll propose a new department, the Department of Largess whose job it will be to distribute the funds donated by the oil companies. In order to maintain the administration of the new department at the highest level of confidence, I’m appointing Reverends Jeremiah Wright, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton as the board of directors. The veracity of this group is unassailable and they will comprise the brain trust of the A.S.S. Whole system.”

 “Third, I’ll create another alternative to alternative energy sources. We’ll fund several promising new sources of electrical power, such as Potato Farms, Eel Farms, and Shuffle Farms. I will also put to rest a vicious and unfounded rumor that is related to our new energy bill.”

“These new alternatives to previous alternatives are as yet untapped resources that can be exploited to offer cheap and renewable sources of electricity.”

“For example, an experimental plant in Walla Walla, Washington is currently in small-scale production of electricity from banks of potato batteries. The Potato Farm is currently producing 610 watts/day, but will increase output (by adding more potato cells) in about 90 days. An added “green” feature is that once a potato’s energy is exhausted, the remains are sold to Sonic Drive-ins to be made into Tater Tots.”

“Another progressive concept is the Shuffle Farm. This facility employs homeless individuals in a humanitarian work program. They are paid to continuously shuffle up and down treated nylon carpet lanes while wearing helmets which contact a metal ceiling connector (not unlike bumper cars). The energy produced by a single individual is small, but with full scale production (about 500 homeless per plant) a facility should produce 2.5 Kilowatts/day. Output has been found to increase dramatically when pit bulls are released into the shuffle cells.”

“Eel Farms are the third new source of energy funded by my new program. I will be funding a Department of Eel Husbandry to study breeding electric eels for use in electricity production. An 8 foot, 40 pound eel can produce intermittent discharges of up to 650 volts for up to one hour. In practice, male eels are connected to a collection grid while residing in individual tanks. When a female eel is brought into proximity with the male, he discharges. Immediately following discharge, the male goes to sleep.

By presenting the female and triggering the male’s discharge, the male can generate voltage about once every twenty minutes. The experimental plant dubbed “The Eel Rancho Grande,” is currently producing peaks of 3.0 kilowatts with thirty-seven active males. A problem yet to be resolved is that the continuous excitement/discharge soon depletes the males such that upon ‘retirement,’ some have weighed as little as two pounds.”

“And finally, I want to refute an assertion that the U.S. was intending to steal power from Canada. The really, really, large extension cord running under Lake Huron to Canada’s Bruce A nuclear power plant was part of an energy plan initiated by the Bush administration and I pulled the plug as soon as I learned of it.”